The foundation of My Little Faith

All the while, I thought I am the one who allowed God to give me salvation. What a pride man am I? What a wrong concept. And I thought I will have eternal life being a superficial Christian without serving God.

All these thought have been wronged. In fact I do not even deserve any forgiveness not to say salvation. It is not I allowed God to give me salvation, it should be God allowed me to accept his salvation when I was not deserved.

Another thing is after I believe in Jesus, I should live my life following Jesus teaching. Or I am merely superficial Christian talking or acting as a Christian instead of truly living as a Christian. My dear reader, living as a Christian is not easy in fact it is very hard. The standard is so high that give me picture which is unreachable. If Jesus set a rule that whoever reach his standard only eligible for heaven, I am definitely out of the list. That is why Jesus said, "Just try your best I will not evaluate your performance, I will evaluate your motive. Please live to glorify me instead of for your own salvation."

God so Love the World

Some interesting discussion has been taking place in my Christian group recently. We discuss about predestination which means God choose saved people before hand.

Initially I cannot accept this as God is so bias. But eventually I found I am not in the position to doubt God and questioning him. God is always in control. He love all the people more than I did. I should not doubt at all. I am a little pride thinking I am saved because I choose to be saved. However the fact is Jesus die for my sin at the very first only then I have the option to choose to believe in him. If Jesus did not have the initiative to die for my sin, I have no choice to be saved.

Back to the question, are God bias to certain people? Do not ask or doubt, that is not my concern as God love all people much more than I did. What a busy body am I asking for human kind. ^_^

Escaping Judgment

My faith on God is fading away, but I still reading Bible. Deep in my heart, I still want to become a Christian. My situation is a bit worrying. I do not like to attend church activity and do not like to pray or read Bible. I complain about life all the time. It seems that it is time for me to forsake God.

Even in this critical condition of mine, God harshly question me, “What is your motivation to be a Christian?” All the while, I thought being a Christian is getting salvation from God. I am wrong from today Bible reading. Christianity is not only about salvation of after death, it is about life changing now on earth too. Expecting to just go to heaven after death is wrong. I have to change my way of living. There are 3 key points here from John The Baptist, sharing what I have, do not cheat, and be content.

Haha, I thought I can just go to heaven for sure. Sad.

(Luke 3:7-9) John said to the crowds coming out to be baptized by him, "You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham as our father.' For I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire."

Renewed Spirit

I am pretty down couple of day before this. My church just organize a bible conference titled "Renewed Church". The conference is targeted city working adult as most of us feel exhausted working in such fast pace environment. I went to the first 2 sessions of the conference after work and fall asleep because too tired working. The voice of the preacher is strong and loud but that did not wake me up. During the praise and worship session, I was just grabbing my hand for the sake of don't stumble people around me. My heart is not focus on God at all.

After all, God still able to touch me. The experience is hard to describe. I pick up my girlfriend bible and continue my bible reading plan after pause for almost a month. There is no magic. I still feel down and frustrated. The content of the bible I was reading did no magic too, it is about the birth of Christ.

Belief it or not, I felt a bit better and relief now. There is a small voice (without volume) that telling me, no worry, nothing is too bad. For your information, I just have a 20 minutes cry couple of day before. That is the longest since the death of my grandfather in 1988. Ha ha, I feel relief and comfort after reading bible here and there. ^_^

Can I Stop?

Life is really boring, discouraging and frustrating. How can I loss my passion on my life? I have no motivation to do anything. Just minute before, I got to know someone is reading my blog, so I log in and try to write something.

Life has been boring for me. Live everyday the same without my own control. I am told to do everything I need to do. Actually, I think I am a creative and spontaneous person but my environment just do not allow me on this. I am running my life based on schedule. My life schedule is so full, hardly can stop and take a break. Can I stop? I really tire of living like this. I am tried of blogging too.

Valentine Day

Carmen and I went to a shopping mall called Sunway Pyramid near my office to celebrate Valentine Day. Due to limited resources, we wander around for a while for the best deal. We are satisfied in a restaurant called Jack's Place. Carmen has a spaghetti while I have a gilled chicken. We spend RM50 here.

Then we when around looking for wedding band. There are couple of jewellery shop in the shopping mall. One of the shop sell only high end jewellery, one of the shop sell very cheap. Even though Carmen and I are first time jewellery buyer, we can see some minor defeat on the ring. The funny moment is when we want to get off, we have another 10% discount. We doubt, and we get off. Then we settle with one of the shop, we left out contact because the ring we prefer do not suit our finger size. They need to make order for that.

Wish you Happy Valentine Day.

Life Goes On

I am trying out Microsoft .Net Framework 2.0, Visual Web Developer 2005 Express Edition, and Microsoft SQL Server 2005 Express Edition with my 2.0 mHz, 512 MB RAM, Windows XP Home edition laptop. It is running slow. I have no resources to upgrade my device.

I am getting marriage 2nd June 2007. I want to buy a memorable ring for my wife. I want to take memorable photography for our marriage. I want to have a nice and affordable honeymoon. I want to spend a memorable wedding ceremony for my wife as well as for our friends and relatives. I can only use credit card and pay back later.

I am trying to budget everything but it does seem to work too well. Anyway, life goes on. I learned that zero saving happen to most of the people even after thirty. This surprise me. I guess my life is not the worst though. Anyhow, life goes on. Choices become lesser and lesser when time goes on. I suddenly realize that human being does not actually have freedom. We are allowed to do certain things constrained by our environment. I haven't really make a choice for a long time already. Life just goes on its way like a film and I am the actor.