Fear

Fear is a terrible feeling which accompany me. I fear a lot of things. Whenever I want to approach people, I fear rejection. Whenever I want to say something, I fear that will expose my foolishness. Whatever I want to do, I just fear about every possible consequences. I am kind of weak mindset person.

In work, I fear to talk. I am so incapable and small. I am fearful until I dare not talk to people. Time goes and eventually I become an island away from continents. What I fear initially to be rejected is happening. Fortunately, the situation is not too bad. A little of courage from God do make a different. I am learning to accept people rejection, correction and criticism. I learned that all this is against my work not me personally. Though it is quite close. (Proverbs 12:14) From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands rewards him.

In house, I fear to face people. I am so irrelevant. It is just wrong for whatever I say or do. I do not even rest myself in the house. I am still emotionally intense. No wonder I feel so tire even though I sleep long hours. What's wrong with me? I do not know but something different in my life. I totally forget about devotion and prayer. It is hard to do it again once stop. I put the first step, God leads me through then. By God's comfort and courage, I become joyful a little. I learn to entertain myself or talk to God. It is just like going crazy. I do not want to bother and fear any more. Gradually, I feel that the atmosphere of the house change little by little. I start to talk with others. Oh, that is me who make the atmosphere in the house tense. I am so sorry. (Jeremiah 31:4) I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful.

In church, I fear to face people too. I am going to a church where nobody know me. I can just disappear. Nobody will know who am I. Too, I seldom talk to people. In fact I do not talk to people unless people come to talk to me. I appear during Sunday service, care group and some event. Right after every event, I disappear. I am a church goer. By faith to God, I continue to go to church, listen to sermon, fellowship with brother and sister in church to encourage one another. I am forced to speak in care group sometimes. My command of language is really bad, my talking is not organized and basically it is a mess. People hardly understand me I believe. Anyway, just do it. Deep in my heart I feel and fear shame. (Exodus 4:10-12) Moses said to the LORD, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue." The LORD said to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."

I draw myself a conclusion, I am fear of people in everywhere. But...... (Joshua 1:9) Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."